Last night was another Wine Night Wednesday with The Y Society, an intimate evening aimed to elevate, empower + connect all womxn of Boston. The topic of conversation was How to Say No and Set Boundaries.

This topic arose as a little flower budling in last month’s Wine Night, when the topic was How to Slow Down Amidst Your Busy Life. Or more brashly put, How to Slow The F*&! Down.

During that conversation at Brass Clothing, someone brought up a main barrier that often arises on the road to slowing down: the constant act of saying yes. Yes to social situations, yes to friends, yes to family, yes to work related things, and so on. One could argue that by saying yes to all of the things (instead of being hyper intentional with what we’re saying yes to), we are ultimately saying yes to eventual burnout.

(Shout to to Jacquline M. for being the someone who inspired the topic of how to say no and set boundaries!)

What we discussed last night started with recognizing that the pressure we often feel to do all of the things stems from an internal fear of letting others down, being judged, or disliked. Both our featured speakers, Garrett and Meaghan, were able to trace this pressure back to their early days of adolescence, saying yes to all of the extracurriculars in high school or college.

Here we are now, as fully functioning adults, and that innate pressure to say yes to it all lives on.

Cue: He Lives in You from The Lion King.

When we finally do build up the strength, the umph, the chutzpah to start saying no, we often then face the pressure to justify our no.

“No… I’m so sorry I can’t, I just have this thing and I’m not sure if I can make it and I really want to but…”

Two letters, one syllable. Yet so damn hard to just say and leave it at that.

Try it right now! Say it….

No.

Nope.

Nah.

Simply, no.

It all goes back to the fear or letting others down, of being judged, of being disliked. I’d invite you to dig into that question for yourself… why is that acceptance so important? Why are we so attached to the approval of others? Is it them who’s putting the pressure on ourselves to say yes, or is it actually our own doing?

What we later came to terms with is the notion that the right people in your life will be ok with you saying no. In fact, they’ll be supportive. And if they’re not - why are those people in your life? What value are they currently serving you? Should you cut those people out?? THAT’s hard to do too! Shiiit man.

Good news! You don’t need to cut someone out of your life forever, nothing is ever permanent. Perhaps there’s a someone who just isn’t supporting you in what you need to grow and develop, or even just sustain, as a human at this moment in time.

Here’s a great analogy that was shared: Sometimes you have room for 10 chairs at your friend table, and other times you only have one chair to spare at your friend table. It doesn’t mean that your table won’t expand down the line, it just means that right now, you’re sitting at a table shoved in the corner at a restaurant in the North End and there’s not room for many. Maybe in three months you’ll go to The Cheesecake Factory and eat family style at a hightop. But for now, you’re at a small round table with room for two, and can you please pass the bread? Thanks!

We discussed how sometimes we say yes out of habit, so it’s important to pause before responding. To stop and think,

“Is this something I actually want to do right now or am I just about to say yes because that’s what I usually do? Am I about to say yes because that’s what others expect out of me? Am I about to say yes because that’s what I expect out of me?"

Our past habits do not exist in our present or future selves unless we let them.

We talked about failure and the fear of it. More specifically, the fallacy that something will “work out” or “not work out.”

We dove into the fact that even if it doesn’t turn out the way you expected, that’s doesn’t mean it didn’t provide you with certain tools, resources, connection, and experience to catapult you into a new opportunity.

A new opportunity that you’ll have space for once you start saying no to what’s not providing you value 😉

Everything always works out. What does “not working out” even mean? The only kind of not working out I know about is when I have a busy day and I don’t make to the gym. Beyond that, everything is always working out, whether we recognize it or not.

Towards the end of the conversation, we acknowledged the importance of saying no and setting boundaries as a way to value ourselves, our time, and our effort, while also setting an example to help others do the same for themselves. We create the habits we want to see ripple across our communities. What habits are you reinforcing for yours?

A few favorite takeaways:

When we say no to the things that we’re not all in on, we leave space to simply be and enjoy the present moment. Take that a step further, when we say no and give ourselves time to just sit and be, we create the literal space in our day for spontaneity and a potential opportunity we actually want to say a big ol’ YES YAS YES to.

Everything is an energy exchange. Start noticing how people/activities/habits make you feel. That’s both while you’re with the person/completing the activity/repeating the habit and after. Do you feel drained, sluggish, low? Do you feel uplifted, motivated, loved? Start to pay attention and take note of patterns.

It’s important to note that there’s a time and place for everything. It’s not about saying no to hard work or effort; it’s about saying yes to the right kind of hard work and effort that’s aligned with your goals.

Key elements to actually say no and set boundaries:

Take stock of where, how, and with whom you currently spend your time.
Acknowledge what value they are bringing or taking from your life.
Decide what’s worth removing, keeping, strengthening, and adding.
Recognize why it’s important to do follow through with step 3
- Hint: you are worthy of only the best, your time is valuable, and life’s too short to spend time on what’s not bringing you value.
- The cooler part: you get to decide what value means to you.
Start chipping away - as slow or as fast that makes sense for you. Begin to notice what you now have the time and space for.
Start adding in bits of the good stuff here and there.
Have a support system that can have your back within this process, even if it’s just one person.
Trust that all will work out, because it’s always working out. Always.
Rinse, lather, repeat.

Say no. Set boundaries. Listen to your inner voice. If from the get-go, you feel “no,” trust. Listen. Respect. If from the get-go, you feel “yes,” dive in. Don’t doubt this. Stop focusing on what others might say to you, and start listening to what you are saying to you.

Song to jam to right now 👆👆👆

A huge thanks to…

Meaghan St. Marc, co-founder of Rev’d Indoor Cycling
Garrett Wood, author of Dare to Move

Aslihan Asadov, co-founder of Peshtemal Collective

Hana Kahn, singer-songwriter

Forum, community co-working space

ANNOUNCEMENTS!

Rev’d has studios in Dedham, Foxboro, and Burlington. They’re about to open their newest location at Copley Place! Book a bike here.

Garrett just finished up her first season of 100+ episodes of the Dare to Move Podcast, empowering you to take the risks necessary to
better yourself. Listen here and purchase her accompanying book, Dare to Move here.

Hana just released her latest single Thrivers! Listen here.

Aslihan designs and produces the most beautiful, hand-loomed Turkish towels alongside her sister under her brand Peshtemal Collective. “Handmade by local women artisans in Turkey using ancient traditional weaving techniques, our textiles are good for you and the planet.” Shop here.

Forum just opened up in Back Bay with the mission to cultivate a modern, shared space that affords its members opportunities for connection and enrichment. Learn more here.

I’m co-hosting my annual New Years retreat IGNITE in the Dominican Republic! Just a few spots left - learn more and apply here.

NEXT WINE NIGHT!

Coming up on Wednesday December 18, 6:00PM at Forum. Snag your ticket here.

enjoyable content i found when googling “saying no funny” and “boundaries funny”

How to Say No and Set Boundaries